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The Tale of the One True Bill

(being part of a recently unearthed Chronicle of the ancient New World, having nothing to do with anyone named Nephi or Moroni)

In the last age but one, when dark forces arrayed themselves against the People, three Bills arose. They strove valiantly against the Darkness that the People should rejoice in their freedom, and the Darkness drown in the light of their joy.

But the first Bill, called Henry of Harrison, was struck down by a terrible pestilence, dying before he could deliver the Good News. The next Bill, of McKinley, was gunned down in cold blood on the streets of Buffalo even as the Name of Jefferson left his lips. And the last, best Precursor, the Bill of Taft who is called the Howard, was betrayed and abandoned by his tribe, the Republicans -- be that name forever cursed! Lost in blue obscurity, he wandered through space and time, yet at length he found the throne of Justice and sat upon it some years in robes of deep Blue, until Death came upon him in old age. No more Precursors came after him, and he is called the Howard, for it is written:

"Our father who art in heaven, Howard[1] be thy name."

[1] Manuscript B: "Hollywood".

The Gate of the Precursors was now forever barred, for the false Bills arose and let loose all manner of abominations in the land. They conjured forth Evil Ones, bidding them seek for signs of the One True Bill, that his coming might be prevented, or the child throttled in its crib.

In the time of Lord Franklin, while the nation rebuilt itself after the great Crash, the Evil Ones discovered in darkest Ar-kan-sas a man named Bill, who was the son of Bill, son of Bill. They could do little while Lord Franklin lived, for his power was too great; but suddenly, as the great war of his time neared its end, Lord Franklin died and Harry the True came to the throne. This Harry had many Bucks to stop, and the Evil Ones were at last left free to do their worst. And Bill, son of Bill, son of Bill came to a bloody end, and the false Bills rejoiced greatly at their good fortune.

But in the second year of Lord Harry, a Virginia gave birth to a son, and he was named Bill. And he was the son of Bill, son of Bill, son of Bill, for the Evil Ones had done their dirty deed too late, with the child already conceived. And so it is written:

"Unto us a Bill is born; unto us a Bill is given, and the Government shall be upon his shoulders, and his name shall be called: William, Jefferson, the mighty Bill, the everlasting Cleanten[2], the President."

[2] Graham and Watt (1997) speculate that this peculiar spelling derives from the consonants of the unutterable Last Name and the vowels of the word "leader", to be pronounced in its place. They believe the Last Name was originally "Colonton" or "Colington"; however, Manuscript B has "Cleangen", and Spock and McCoy (2003) argue for "Clingon" as the original pronunciation. This editor is not persuaded.

During Lord Ike's time, the One True Bill cast off the name of Blythe, under which he had been concealed from the Evil Ones, and assumed the true Last Name. Lord Ike was a Republican, yet the robbers and rapists who make up the greatest part of that tribe were kept busy bulldozing the land for sprawling suburbs and highways of death. And the One True Bill escaped his father's fate and grew to be a powerful foe of Evil.

In the third year of the lordship of Jimmy, the One True Bill was made governor. But suddenly from the slime-pits of Hell came a great Beast, Raghan [Manuscript B: Eagan] to wrestle with Lord Jimmy, and the Beast gathered to him all the worst of the Republicans, and Lord Jimmy was overthrown. For a time the One True Bill forsook his governorship and wandered the plains of Ar-kan-sas to be tested by the Evil Ones. They failed to win him to the side of Darkness, and he returned in triumph as governor. But the Beast ruled all the nation for eight years, making mischief throughout the land and tearing down much that had taken generations to build. And when its time was done, the Beast departed, and its lieutenant, George the Lip-reader, took the lordship.

The hour of the One True Bill came in the fourth year of Lord George, when the people, wearied by years of misrule, gathered in the new York to choose their champion. There the One True Bill was acclaimed leader and girt with the sword of Lord Jack amid great rejoicing and many exhortations never to stop thinking about tomorrow. And at his side stood Al Qahir[3], sometimes called the Man of Osone [Manuscript B: "Ozone"]. Together they marched against Lord George and drove him out, and the One True Bill was acclaimed Lord.

[3] In Arabic, "Al Qahir" is the name of the planet Mars. Manuscript B has "Algohir", possibly an Iraqi variant.

The lordship of the One True Bill lasted eight glorious years. His fights and victories were legendary, and his foes included the Newt, the Bob, Rush the Flushed, and the Dark Starr. The Bob suffered a powerful pounding in the fourth year of the One True Bill; the Newt was knocked upon his fat Georgian ass; and Rush the Flush was apoplectic to see it all. But the Dark Starr and the temptress Monica almost undid the One True Bill, calling forth thirteen Devils to prosecute him before the Senate; yet in the end the One True Bill prevailed, and again the Evil Ones were confounded.

Alas, however brightly the Sun may shine, as it rises in the east so must it set in the west, and one day the time of the One True Bill came to its end. His standard and his scepter he gave to Al Qahir, and the hope and trust of the people; but this Al was not to reign, for evil will have its day. And that is a tale for another time.